Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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