I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
