that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
