He kissed a someone with a penis
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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