no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
