I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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