i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
