I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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