a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
