bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
