You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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