Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
