This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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