I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
