I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
