turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
