Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
