A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
