i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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