Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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