I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
