I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
