His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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