I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
pop tarts are not kleenex
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
