My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
