if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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