I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
