It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
