seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
