I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
