i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
