My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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