she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
