Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
