haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
