all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
