He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
