I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
