I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
