I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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