sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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