"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
