I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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