New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
