I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
