she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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