Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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