His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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