Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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