My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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