Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
