That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
