apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
