She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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