Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
